Email Teardown #6: Cut the word count

One of the best ways to learn something is to see it in action. Here's the sixth teardown (and build-up) in this content series, where we rewrite real cold emails.

Before email: 73 score in Lavender

Subject: How we helped a (industry) company hire a key role in 21 days

Hi Jon, 

I wanted to share a quick story that shows the impact (company) can have on your hiring process.

One of our clients, (company) in (city), had just raised their Series A and needed to fill 5 important roles urgently. The COO and their team didn't have time to post job ads or go through resumes, and they knew it would be tough to find the right people. That's when they called me. Using my HR background and industry knowledge, I found them awesome passive candidates for their (various open roles). In just 21 days, we helped them hire a (role), even though their work in ML and Computer Vision for (industry) is super niche.

The COO was thrilled with the results and loved our pricing model, which made it easy to budget for our help. They even said they'd write us a review within a week!

If you want to see similar results in your hiring process at (company), I'd be happy to chat. Just let me know and I'll send over some times for a quick zoom.

Best,

Jennifer‍

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After email: 92 score in Lavender‍

Subject: Hiring help

Hi Jon, 

(Company) can improve your hiring process.

A client recently raised its Series A and urgently needed to fill 5 key roles. The COO and their team didn't have time to find the right people. That's when they called me. I quickly found them great candidates for various tech roles.

In 21 days, we hired a Data Science Manager for their niche ML and Computer Vision work in (industry). The COO loved our results and pricing model. They even said they'd write us a review within a week!

Let's talk if you want similar hiring results at (company). Just let me know and I'll send over some times for a quick zoom.

Best,

Jennifer

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What we changed and why:

The primary issue with the original email is that it was just too long with too much detailed information. A key adjustment most emails need in order to increase their Lavender score (and reply rates!) is shortening the length. Get to the benefit of what you’re offering as quickly as possible.

The subject line was also needlessly lengthy. Keep it tight and to the point.

Overall, the revised version of the email cut 70 words and condensed the content to only what was necessary. Cold outreach emails only get viewed for ~9 seconds on average…so every second counts!

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